"That State"

It only happens at night.. when everyone else is sleep and i've been laying there trying to go to sleep.. something weird happens to me.. I become afraid of myself. Like im scared that im going to do something to myself or to someone else in the house. Then i cry... i seem to be doing that allot more lately i even cry in school now.. i have to ask my teacher can i use the bathroom when every i feel that i might cry.. but it happens more at lunch time on even days. Sitting by myself at that table.. i dont have to sit by myself i guess but i choose to, because if i sit with any of those people at that school that dont get me.. it just makes me even more angry. I cry at lunch allot.. i try as hard as i can not to show it though.. the reason i cry is because when im in that state.. its like i have no one.. just myself.. like theres no one else around that can pull me away from it.. from the pain.. from the agony.. a friend a good friend.. i dont have that.. the one friend that i do have dont feel to comfortable around me so i dont really wanna force her to help.... but i wonder can she see it.. i wonder can she see that im not o.k. that im a troubled kid.. just saying that im a troubled kid makes me cry...

i used to smoke allot.. you know cigs and weed but i dont now cause that just makes me feel more crappy.. i used to fuel my loneliness with artificial happiness like sex and weed but it doesent work anymore it just adds to the fact that im not o.k. this is the worse i have ever felt this is the loneliest i have ever felt in my entire life... nothing seems to work out for me especially girls.... girls never work out for me ever.. when ever i think that i've met a good girl she turns out to be the opposite.. i ask god for his help all the time i attempt to talk to my mom about it but i kno that she gone say everything gone be alright when i kno that its not.. .. nothing works for me nothing helps me anymore not even her face... her beautiful light skinned face.. "Shaina" thats her name thats the person that knows me the best... shes my best friend and the reason i say that is because i can tell her anything.. even if she dont trust me enough to tell me anything.... but she has friends of her own.. im not her only friend.. and plus she has a boy friend. who she spends lots of time with.. but even she dont feel comfortable around me.. because she says she "Cheated on her boy friend with me" so i really dont talk to her as much

i love her i cant just stop myself from loving her.. when im around her i feel awesome like my loneliness is blessed by this girl.. or that she have saved me.. all i could do is smile when i see her .. but she doesent love me.. i guess she does as a friend.. but i dont feel that way around her anymore.. she doesent make me smile like she used to... in ways it feel like she pushed me away fro her so i dont really try to get to envolved with her much.. because i dont wanna cause any trouble i guess... i cant help feeling like this.... and its weird because i started writing this in that state but now that im finished i feel o.k. WOW thing just get weirder and weirder..